Prognosis. Prospects. Percentages.
These words are terrifying to me right now. We have been shoving the knowledge that our baby had this scan at 36 weeks to the back of our minds in order to live in the day by day mantra. That is by no means an easy feat, especially for a planner like me. I have been doing good. Prior to tonight, I had gone like 6 weeks without breaking down and crying. I have been pouring all of my strength and energy into helping our baby and supporting her growth and development in the two ways that I can: pumping my boobs like hell for breast milk and showing up at the hospital every day to spend time with her through skin to skin. This Thursday, we hit 36 weeks, and we have the cranial ultrasound that seems like the scariest procedure yet on Friday. The heart – that’s fixable. The brain is not. If the cranial ultrasound shows brain damage on Friday, its not fixable. It would mean life long developmental delays and disabilities for our little girl. What really, really sucks is that she is at an increased risk because of me. The pre-eclampsia and HELLP I experienced during pregnancy puts her at extra risk for IVH. Because of HELLP and her early birth, she is at risk also for Periventricular Leukomalacia. Both of those conditions are associated with Cerebral Palsy. That prospect is terrifying. For right now, its just a prospect. I get that. Its not like my daughter has been diagnosed with it as of now. As a teacher, though, I know the road that goes with that, and I can’t help but feel like dropping a lot of profanity and saying that it isn’t fair. I have never done drugs. I have tried my hardest to be healthy and active, even when I felt like total and complete crap during my pregnancy. Now I feel like it was all for naught. These drug taking, miscreants of society come in with full term pregnancies and babies without any issues, and yet, I get smacked with HELLP and our daughter now has to fight for her life. I can’t help but feel like the rest of our lives are being decided on Friday. The prognosis for babies born with brain damage and subsequent cerebral palsy is such a rough, rough road. God, I hope that is not the path that you have laid out for us. I hope and pray that our little girl will be healthy and grow to live a full, completely normal life.
God give us strength… we cannot bear this burden alone.